Wikipedia states that the Triscuit was created in the early 1900's, but as we all know, Wikipedia is never right, so we had to make up our own history for Triscuit. Bob Triscuit was a knight in Napoleon's army in the mid-1450's, who, while sacking Atlantis, came across the Tomb of Jesus. In this Tomb of Jesus, there were many things. A weight bench, dumbbells, a 1970 Camaro, a snuggie, and other assorted badass things. But there was one badass thing that was more badass than any of the others. It was the Triscuit, complete with blueprints and patents that had expired the year before. Mr. Triscuit brought the wafer back to America where he renamed it the 'Jesus wafer.' Unfortunately due to a money shortage, Bob had to revert the name back to 'Triscuit,' because 'Jesus wafer' had too many letters. Due to the fact that wheat had not been invented yet, Mr. Triscuit had to just sit on his find, until the proper ingredients were made available. Bob Triscuit's lucky day finally came 200 years later, as the first Triscuit factory was opened. The excitement of the day was symbolized when Mr. Triscuit's only son, 13 year old Robert Jr. cut the tape. "I've waited 24 years for this day!" The young one exclaimed. Unfortunately, due to an oversight, boxes were accidentally produced faster than the individual wafers were, in a 6:1 ratio. But Mr. Triscuit was a resourceful fellow, and the Triscuit company was temporarily a box company. The Triscuit story is not one of pure glee, however. In 1969, the height of the Great Depression, Triscuit went bankrupt. To the joy of tastebuds everywhere, the Triscuit brand was quickly bought up by Google. After getting back on their feet, Triscuit bought Google, thus owning everything, everywhere. Unfortunately Mr. Triscuit was murdered by a rival snackfood company, by means of Wheat Thin ninja stars in 1994.
Up next: An live interview with the man himself, Mr. Bob Triscuit Sr.
The very first Triscuit factory.
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